“your body will argue that there is no justifiable reason to continue. Your only recourse is to call on your spirit. Which fortunately functions independently of logic.”
after a confident 32 km run today, I can look back on this week with a feeling of moderate satisfaction with my training. At my staff meeting last week, I felt all of the love poured onto me from everyone I work with. It was our last staff meeting before I leave and I couldn’t hold back the tears as they wished me the most heartfelt farewell. I was asked how I was feeling, and I didn’t even know how to answer that. My emotions are constantly running on high as I edge closer and closer to my departure date. The only thing I remember saying, is that my mind and heart are both 110% in, my body just needs to keep up.
but there are days where my body fails me. Where my feet plead me to rest. Where my hip flexors and calves remind me with every step I take in my own apartment to just sit the fuck down. If I’m being honest, I have a hard time listening to my body. I still don’t feel like I’m training enough. I rely on other people’s advice to tell me what the best thing to do for my body is. I’m a competitive person at heart- and I struggle with letting myself fail at something. I’m guilty of thinking more is better, especially being seventeen days away from getting on a plane to run this beast of an ultramarathon. I hope everyone who has given me advice knows that it all sits in a little drawer in my brain that I pull out when I’m at war with myself. I’m so afraid of not finishing this run. I’m terrified that there will be a point where my body begs me to stop- and I’m terrified that my mind will follow suit. It’s not that I’m trying to prove to myself or prove to anyone else that I can run 371km. It is so much bigger than that. I want to push myself to my absolute limit and once I reach that point, I want to push myself farther. I want to cross that finish line in Jacmel on my own two feet knowing I left pieces of my heart along the way.
i’m willing to suffer for reward. I’m willing to put my physical abilities on the line so our Team Tassy kids can stay in school. I’m doing this so our Team Tassy moms and dads can have the opportunity for a job and proudly provide for their own families. I’m running to ensure they are able to receive health care to stay around long enough to watch their grandbabies have children of their own. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to cross that finish line and give these families a chance at a better life, away from poverty. That is the reward. No medal or Boston qualifying time could ever touch that accomplishment.
and when I’m back home from this run, I want our Haitian families and all the people of Haiti to walk along the roads I just ran, and pick those pieces of my heart up when they feel they need help.
or a reminder to know there is an end to all of this.